maybe its the insecurities,
maybe its time that has changed both of us,

or maybe, its just me.

the internet sms conversation went like this:

miRa: its true i love you. im so confident of that. and im not sick and tired of you. you are the confused one. you love me, but you dont know what you want

miRa: i've to practically force myself to say that im better off w/o you. you still want to enjoy life, you still wanna have fun. so why get tied down now?

rasyid: this is what i want! u ok! u dont trust me thats the thing!

miRa: then why cant you stop lying? do you lie to me bcos you're scared of losing me?

rasyid: i lie to u to avoid trouble! to kill suspicion..

miRa: but why.. what happened to truth in our r'ship..

rasyid: what why.. even if say like sonya is friend would believe? b4 movies we meet first.. does it sound wrong to u?

miRa: i cant say anything, can i? you're already turning 19, i cant be telling you what to do, and not to do, kan? dont you miss how we were last time?

rasyid: hell yes! definitely!

miRa: then why cant we be like how we were? are both of us changing? your expectations raised?

rasyid: i wish u were back to how u were! ok..

miRa: and i wish the same for you. im trying my best. but how would you feel if a girl were to call you gatal? in my mind, "what has my bf done with her?"

rasyid: fine.. i was just being crappy.. to her..

miRa: crappy? you were talking dirty with her, werent you?
miRa: or.. what have you done with her? is that a better qn?

rasyid: dirty? i comment her pic.. i didnt know u have a moustache is talking dirty?

miRa: if you were to see a guy telling me that i was being gatal, what would be on your mind?

rasyid: there u go asking nonsense.. argh what is it with u!

miRa: im not asking nonsense. answer me. what would be on your mind if a guy were to tell me that im gatal?

rasyid: i would think u were just joking.. u wont do anything..

miRa: one week. and i wonder, whether you do think abt me. and us.

rasyid: if i dont think bout u i wont msg u at night saying i love u..

miRa: you'll only msg me when you're alone at home, when nothing's on your mind, right? im confused. at times i feel you wanna work things out, but then..

rasyid: haiz.. i tau nk ckp ape lagi.. serious i syg u nanti u ckp i tk syg.. i work it out i tknk lak u ckp.. dala i want to go to school..

i wonder, when this phase will end.
many promised me that it'll end soon.
but when?

didnt i mention i am a total flop when it comes to relationships?

to rasyid,
i know you wont read my blog.
but do you know how much i miss you?

miss your hugs when im sad,
miss you wiping away my tears for me,
miss us rubbing our noses together,
miss you singing to me,

miss you being true to me.

im so tired, so dead beat trying to hold things together.
especialy when its a one-sided effort on my side.