im in a cranky mood today.
i was already planning to go to school last night - tudung all ironed, lunch all packed.

but then my laptop died on me halfway while i was doing my layouts.

so i thought, "well, like as if they're nice anyway!"
i suck at adobe photoshop. as much as i love looking at edited pictures, i was a never a fan of photoshop.

but anyway, i stayed up the whole night to re-do my layouts.
i just needed to show them that i can do it. and i never lie too.
im not in school today, and it sucks cos i was itching for more one tree hill.

i borrowed a book on photoshop. yes yes i did.
i cant believe it either. it helped me quite a bit.
and fadillah was being such a sweetie pie in guiding me through while i do the layouts.

in the end she fell asleep. haha, so much for wanting to accompany me throughout the night.

i still havent gone to sleep yet officially. and i cant.
did a lot of thinking, and i've realised that the older you get, the more responsibilities you'll have to shoulder.

i've read a friend's blog, and she mentioned about how she hasnt done anything for the past seventeen years of her life.

im turning twenty, and i think im a klutz in almost everything.
i've never achieved anything significant in life, and thats a very sad fact.
and twenty years,
i've never owned an ipod before,
i've never driven a car (i cant drive),
i've never even had a four-digit sum in my bank account.

all these nitty gritty details mean so much to me, because personally,
i've seen many twenty year olds who can think on their own, and are ready to stand on both their feet.

unfortunately, im not one of them.
and i guess i never will be.

im still dependent on my fourty year old dad who's working so hard to support the family,
and i still ask a measly $10 from my mum, who's not even working.

perhaps an eight-letter work would be appropriate for me:
p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c.

others look down on me cos im not IT or software savvy.
but im too tired to care anyway.

which is why i cant wait to get out from poly.
to get away from so many people.
i prefer being alone now. read a book, or get engrossed playing my psp.

well, if NIE decides to take me in, i'd be thrilled.
at least i can be around kids, and kids wont go asking me why i wear tudung.

oh. and im no longer close to my girlfriends anymore.
i dont know why. its like i've automatically pulled myself away from them.
the three of them go everywhere together.
and im always left at home.

its not that im jealous or whatsoever ok.
i just felt very left out.
the other night, one of them called to ask whether i've got poker cards, after which she explained that they're gonna play cards at the void deck and asked whether i wanted to join them.

i declined politely eventually.
why?

because they called me for poker cards, not to ask me join them.
if they had called me to join them first, before asking for those poker cards, then maybe i'd have gone down to accompany them.

i think its better i just pull myself away. i dont fit in anywhere anyway.
tsk.

oh. and getting older means more friendship problems, on my side.
and i know a lot of people are just acting to be friends with me.
guess what?

im playing along too. i need my sleep now.





thanks, aliff (: